Persistence and Determination: Cal Gets it Right

“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” ~ Calvin Coolidge

Last Saturday, while we were out on our semi-regular date night, my husband and I discussed this quote as it pertained to both writing and bicycling.

Bob talked about reaching a plateau with his bike speed – about making steady, satisfying progress and then hitting a barrier he couldn’t seem to break. He follows blogs about biking just as I follow blogs about writing, and he said that people always want to know what they can do to break that barrier. They are looking for an exercise or a regimen that will get them the result they want (increased speed) in a designated amount of time. But the advice given is always the same:

Ride your bike a lot.

How long? How long until I see results?

The answer: It’s different for every person.

And this is true of writing, too.  Through blogging, I know many writers feel like they’ve hit a barrier they can’t break through, whether it’s finishing a complete manuscript, querying for representation, promoting a self-published book, or selling a book on submission. Even after you break through one of those barriers, it doesn’t mean your progress is steady from that point on. A sudden spurt of “increased speed” might very well be followed by another plateau.

A lot of people outside the writing world don’t know this. They think that once you publish a book your success is guaranteed. And if it doesn’t happen right away, then you must not be a good writer.

We ought to know better, although sometimes we forget. Yes, it does seem cosmically unfair when a 20-year old writer gets a choice of 10 competing agents and two weeks later lands a 6-figure deal based on a partial manuscript of a first book … to everyone except that writer. But there’s no point feeling envious or discouraged or – worst of all – giving up.

You just have to keep riding. Er … writing.

Learning to Plot with Scrivener

Based on recommendations from people who’ve tried Scrivener, I went ahead and bought it – especially after I realized it was only $40.  At that price, I thought, why not?

So far, I’m loving it – but only for plotting and planning. I have no intentions of drafting a manuscript with Scrivener. The word processing part of it feels clunky, and I can’t imagine writing a book that’s chopped into little bits and has to be put together after I’m finished. One of the reviewers on Amazon said, “The thing to understand about Scrivener is that it's a chunk-based writing system. It's for people who write in chunks, or scenes, which is, actually, most people.” 

Well, speak for yourself, buddy. I write my first drafts in a linear fashion – from the beginning to the end.  It's the only way I can find the story and understand my characters (no matter how much planning and outlining I do beforehand). And thanks to Matt McNish introducing me to the Document Map function of Word, I have no trouble navigating my manuscripts.

However, as a method to organize my scattered thoughts during the planning stages, Scrivener rules!  Sure, I could keep all my notes in Word files. That’s what I’ve done up to now – and they’re a mess. I recently opened up all my saved files for THE EIGHTH DAY and was surprised to see how many documents were labeled Brainstorming, Ideas, Outline for Chapter 7, Problems I Need to Fix, Character Motivations, etc. I’m pretty sure most of them had only been opened once, and every time I needed to brainstorm, I started a new document rather than look at the ones I had.

For THE EIGHTH DAY #2, I kept a paper notebook of ideas. I won’t even go into what a mess that was. Plus, I kept losing it. (Dianne rampages around the house: “Anybody seen a blue notebook?!”)

Scrivener is all about chunks, and that’s not how I write, but it IS how I plan. I’ve never been good at outlining, and if you’ve ever heard anybody talk about planning DOT TO DOT, that’s the best description of how I do it. Scrivener holds all my DOTS in one location, where I can see them all, rearrange them, expand them and collapse them.  I love that any file can be both a document and a folder.

Maybe it’s just a cool new toy. I’ll have to report back and let you know if I actually produce a book plan with it!

First Impressions: DIE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY

Our third First Impression post for March is DIE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY, a MG fantasy by Joy Dawn Johnson.

The shadow slid under the door and across the Berber carpet. That was where it usually appeared. Sometimes it drifted from behind the lamp, or snuck in through the window, but only on occasion.

The bedroom door whipped open. Her tiny feet scurried across the carpet and the shadow returned as her companion. A sniffling nose, a quick tug of covers, a soft plea.

There would be no sleep for Parker Ward tonight. Bonny was running from monsters.

“They’re not real.” Parker stroked his little sister’s hair as she curled up beside him.

She answered with tears. They dripped onto his arm, where she’d laid her head.

Parker tilted her chin up and wiped her cheeks with the soft edge of his blanket. “Let’s look under your bed. You’ll see there’s nothing there.”

She burrowed closer to him. They weren’t going anywhere.

Her nightmares began a few years ago, around the time he’d seen the first bruise. Welts on her arms and legs, deep scratches on her shoulder—he’d begged, bribed, but she never told who was hurting her. He couldn’t force her. So he kept a spare blanket draped over his footboard—the one thing he could do for her. Their mother pretended the problem didn’t exist, something that came naturally since that was also her disposition toward Parker. She could never accept anyone hurting her precious Bonny, so she didn’t see it.

He tucked her head under his chin. Another moment of looking into her teary eyes would break him. He would have taken her place. Why wouldn’t she talk to him?

Bonny seemed perfectly fine during the day. Perfectly fine, not perfectly normal. Unusual, eccentric, one cookie short of a full box—all reasonable descriptions for his little sister, especially when she wasn’t running from monsters. Parker never understood how anyone could be scared of things that didn’t exist.

The first thing I wondered was whether the opening paragraph in italics was actually from Bonny’s viewpoint, or at least outside of Parker’s POV. If so, I wanted it not only in italics, but separated from the rest of the text by a couple spaces.

Next, the phrase and the shadow returned as her companion  gave me some trouble because I wasn’t sure whose viewpoint that was from either, and I especially questioned the word returned.  Where is it returning from, and who is watching it? Parker doesn’t see the shadows tormenting Bonny, right?

I really like Parker’s dialogue (and Bonny’s wordless response) when she climbs into bed with him. It’s simple and touching. But the paragraph describing how this all started confused me. Bruises and welts -- and the mother won’t investigate? It might be better to replace this paragraph with one where Parker actually examines a bruise or a welt on his sister. And it’s okay to mention their mother is no help without trying to explain why right now. The explanation given seems a little unbelievable without background knowledge about the mother we don’t have.

I really like the tenderness Parker shows toward his sister, especially the non-verbal manifestation of it. It is very sensory – her head under his chin, her tears on his arm. Joy has made us like Parker immediately – and we also feel protective of Bonny. The line He would have taken her place confuses me though. Does he think she’s being hurt by a bully? And Parker would rather the bully hurt him? Wouldn’t Parker do something about the bully instead if he knew who it was? This sentence only makes sense to me if he thought it was their mother hurting Bonny, which doesn’t seem to be the case.

Likewise, the final line of this page puzzled me. Parker never understood how anyone could be scared of things that didn’t exist. Lots of people are afraid of things that don’t exist. I almost expected this sentence to be followed by the phrase because there were so many real things to be afraid of instead. Is their life so tough that monsters and nightmares are the least of their worries?

To sum up, I like that opening paragraph, but I want a little more clue about the POV. I love the scene between Parker and Bonny – and the sensory images in it – but the narration in between needs a little paring down, clarification – and maybe some of it would just be better if introduced later on. Readers, what do you think?

Joy, thanks so much for sharing your first page with us! Please visit Joy’s website to learn more about her books, and don’t forget to check out Marcy’s feedback on the same page at Mainewords.

First Impressions: NOT ME

Our second submission for First Impressions is a YA Thriller, titled NOT ME by Taffy Lovell.

I glance out my dirty bedroom window. The sky promises another beautiful day. If my days were normal, I might hang out at the pool, pretending not to watch the lifeguards. If my life were normal, I might sit under the shade of the trees and daydream. If I were normal, I might gossip with friends late into the night. We would sit on someone’s bed, eating popcorn and talking about everything and nothing. But I left normal behind ages ago--in quiet cemeteries.

My computer desk is unorganized chaos. I hide the scissors and yesterdays newspaper under my bed. The obituaries can wait.

A worn-out and yellowed clipping flutters to the floor. I pick it up and study it. John Birch’s trench coat is thrown over my little sister and me. He’s trying to shield us from the snooping cameras. The caption reads “Lost Memories or Fake Amnesia?”

I tuck the old news story into the red shoebox and place it in the closet shelf. Time for reality.

My hair is a ratty mess. I flip my head over and try to force my tangled mane into a ponytail. I peek in the mirror. It will work. Easy. That’s how I roll.

The t-shirt I wore to bed reeks like last night’s Chinese takeout. Not how I roll. A black piece of fabric peeks out from beneath my pillow. Pulling my favorite AC/DC vintage t-shirt close I inhale and pretend it smells like the last boy I crushed on. I haven’t lost memories of him.

I trade the shirt with another, cleaner one off the floor and shake it out for good measure. A green frog grins at me with the thought bubble: “It isn’t easy being green!”

Georgie is still in bed, I’m sure. She doesn’t have a morning ritual because she has natural beauty. Everyone says so. She doesn’t even sweat, she glows.

 “Georgie!” I scream from my doorway. “I can’t be late again or I’ll get detention!”

There are several things that really catch my attention on this page. The sentences I left normal behind ages ago--in quiet cemeteries and The obituaries can wait and the bit about the newspaper clipping and the headline are all very intriguing.  The list of “normal” activities in the first paragraph and the descriptions of her t-shirts, less so.

I suggest rearranging the information on this first page to make those intriguing details pop.  For instance, Taffy could start with our MC laying down the scissors and deciding The obituaries can wait. That would be a startling beginning. (The obituaries can wait might even make an excellent opening sentence.)

Next the MC can glance out the window at the beautiful day and (more briefly) think about the ways normal girls might spend the day. Then she can deliver the line But I left normal behind ages ago--in quiet cemeteries.

Finally, while she’s searching the floor for a clean-enough t-shirt, she can come across the clipping that had fallen off the table – and boom, we’re hooked. Or, at least I am. Readers, what do you think?

Taffy, thanks so much for sharing your first page with us today! You can visit Taffy at her blog, Taffy’s Writings, and don’t forget to check out Marcy’s critique of the same page at Mainewords.

First Impressions: PATRIOTS

Our first submission for First Impression in March comes from Salvatore Cuciti. PATRIOTS is an Adult Mystery.

Chapter 1

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil – Psalm 23

The moon over the orchard followed me, lighting my way across the fields, and the last traces of purple sunset stained the sky over the mountains. It was the last full moon before Halloween. A blood moon, or a harvest moon, I wasn't sure. The moon seemed to fly through the gnarled branches of the apple trees as I gunned the old Triumph down the road.  I was flying too, following invisible lines of perfection in the curves and hills. The growl of the exhaust pipes stretched out behind me, and wind noise surrounded me.  I shifted down a gear, gave her some throttle and leaned into the turn. The motorcycle tracked a perfect line, with no correction needed, and screamed out the exit as if to rip the asphalt, lifting the front wheel, singing a like tenor in third gear, trying to tear itself out from under me.  I tightened my grip. In the dim light the landscape rushed past us in a blur.  My thoughts, my rambling chattering conscious brain hushed and paid homage to this moment; a second from destruction and content to be so. There was just the road and the howling motorcycle, the peace and the danger, the red moon and me.

 That moon had gotten to me, it had come in through my windows with promises to light my way.  An hour ago I had been standing in my living room staring up at it.   I found myself a few minutes later lacing up my boots in the garage and looking for my helmet.  The old familiar fear came again, tickling my nervous system and the pit of my stomach with butterflies. I took a deep breath and shook my head and studied the motorcyle.  The faces of friends who have died or been hurt came back to me as I buckled the helmet, tickled the carb and kicked the starter. It’s a feeling of dread which experienced motorcyclists know too well.  But it quickly went away of course.  And so did I, out to race the red moon, to find a friend, for pint of ale and some talk.  I wanted to talk politics, dharma, some Buddhist teachings, football, anything to let out this restlessness inside me.  And drink beer and eat wings.  A spiritual journey does not mean necessarily bread and water. Not for me, Adam Paradise.

There is some beautiful imagery in these passages, and I’d like to say that although I’ve never ridden a motorcycle, Sal has made me FEEL this ride. I am there with Adam. I’m firmly in his head, feeling what he’s feeling, thinking what he’s thinking, and seeing what he’s seeing.

That said, there were a lot of little typos that I actually cleaned up before posting this page – extra commas, transposed letters, small missing words like “a.” I left “singing a like tenor in third gear” although I think it’s supposed to be “singing like a tenor in third gear,” but I wasn’t absolutely sure.  You’ll want to carefully comb through the text for those small, hard to see errors before sending it on to any beta readers, agents, or editors.

I also suggest taking those two large opening paragraphs and breaking them into smaller ones. There are beautiful sentences in there that will get lost in a large block of text.

There are two uses of the word “last” in the first two sentences, so I’d try to rephrase to eliminate one of them. I’d go for “the moon flew” instead of “seemed to fly,” and I would delete “it had come in through my windows with promises to light my way.” The next sentence follows nicely without it.

While reading, I wondered if every motorcyclist knows people who have been killed and injured on their bikes, and if seeing those faces before a ride is typical of every biker’s experience – or just Adam's. I’m content to wonder that, however, since I feel confident I’ll get to know Adam better as I read.

So, in summary, I’d say Sal nailed the voice of this character and the mood of the piece (especially since I know it's going to be a murder mystery). He just needs to work on cleaning up small editing details, and breaking up the text on the page. Space is important for the eye and mind of the reader, and it allows the writer to emphasize key sentences by beginning or ending with them.

Thanks for sharing your page, Sal! You can read Marcy’s critique at Mainewords, and don't forget to come back next week for two more. Marcy and I will be taking a First Impressions hiatus in April so Marcy can participate in the A to Z Challenge. But we have openings for First Impressions in May, so feel free to submit!

Tweeting in the Nineteenth Century

They say there’s nothing new under the sun.

via Wikimedia Commons

I’ve written before that séances were like a nineteenth century version of Twitter. And a recent article in WIRED Magazine reveals that people did tweet before Twitter. It was called sending a telegram.

Brevity was key, especially for overseas telegrams, which could cost as much as $1 per word. Grammatical structures greatly resembled the tweets and texts of today, and short cuts like UR for your and THX for thankswere invented long before we started using them for our electronic messages. There were even codebooks of short cuts, such as 88 – which meant love and kisses.

One thing I haven’t seen in our modern texts and tweets, however, is the creative use of prefixes and suffixes to shorten the word count – possibly because we often count by characters, not words. Or maybe today’s tweeters and texters just aren't as eloquent as telegram senders. WIRED shared this example of a telegram dispatching a foreign war correspondent of The Daily Telegraph to Lagos: “Assume you Lagosward soonest procover situation onspotting warwise.”

And my favorite example was Ernest Hemingway’s response to an editor’s request for receipts documenting his expenses: “Suggest you upstick books asswards.”

I Wanna Give Stuff Away

Last week, I got a giant box full of CAGED GRAVES t-shirts, featuring the artwork of my daughter’s friend, Emily Hutchison. And I’m anxious to send them out into the world!

So, I’m going to give away two t-shirts here on my blog. And I’m also going to give away an ARC of the CAGED GRAVES, plus a t-shirt, over on Goodreads. You can enter for the t-shirts on Rafflecopter below this post. And you can enter the Goodreads giveaway by clicking here – and it’s also on my sidebar.

In other news, I’m about halfway through second draft revisions of THE EIGHTH DAY #2, and I’ve already knocked it back to 69k (from 75k). I think “word scything” is my favorite part of the writing process. I love taking an already completed draft and streamlining it, slicing unnecessary words and phrases, cutting sentences that repeat an already stated idea, and even killing a few darlings here and there. (As in, yeah, that was kind of cute but doesn’t move the scene forward; it’s gotta go.)

This weekend, I also got a really convincing recommendation to try Scrivener, and I’m considering it -- even though I’m usually resistant to changing my way of doing things. However, I can see how it might be useful for planning out this 3-book series. For instance, looking ahead to something I want to happen in a later book, I realize I need to change the details of a particular incident. And that means finding every instance where it’s mentioned in the first two books and changing what I say. I’m given to understand that Scrivener could make navigating my manuscripts in search of particular details a lot easier. Does anybody want to weigh in on that?

Sign up for the giveaways and let me send you some stuff!

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What I've Been Up To

This has been me for the past two weeks or so:

Not Darth Vader. The poor guy hanging in the Sith Lord’s grip, unable to get away. The role of Darth Vader in my life was filled by my WIP. It had me by the throat and would not let go.

Even at work, I walked around muttering to myself in the voices of my characters, drawing little maps on scraps of paper, and choreographing action scenes. Yes, I was into the Climactic Crunch – the part of the book I’ve been visualizing for so long.

Over the 3-day President’s Weekend, I wrote 9,000 words. My feet finally touched the ground around noon on Monday when I typed THE END on the first draft of THE EIGHTH DAY #2.  Phew. *Rubs neck.* That was intense.

I started the draft on December 4. Seventy-seven days from beginning to end.  I know that might not seem like a feat to anyone who’s succeeded at NaNo – producing 50,000 words in 30 days.  But this was the fastest I’ve ever written a manuscript. And it finished at 75,000 words, about 10k over budget. That’s typical. In anything I draft, I write AT LEAST 10,000 unnecessary words. What that says about me … well, draw your own conclusions.

Most people like to give their manuscripts a rest after completing a first draft. Not me. My first drafts are pretty exploratory, and I usually don’t discover the heart of the story and the soul of every character until the end. Not even in a sequel, as it turns out. By the time I’ve completed the first draft, I have a laundry list of revisions to make for the second draft, and I’m ready to roll right in.  The second draft goes out to beta readers … and then I take a break from it.

What’s got you by the throat lately?

Do you rest after a first draft? Or plunge right into revisions?

Blood and Beaches and Kissing

Today I’ve invited my critique partner, Krystalyn Drown, to write a post about the inspiration for her novel, LEGASEA, newly released by Curiosity Quills.  I’ve had Krystalyn here before, talking about her other novel, SPIRIT WORLD. In one of those little twists that happens in the publishing world, SPIRIT WORLD sold first (to Entranced Publishing), but LEGASEA was published first.

And now, I’ll turn the blog over to Krystalyn …

In Nov 2010, Maggie Stiefvater was doing a stock signing at a local bookstore, so I went to meet her and have her autograph my copies of her books. At the time, she was writing The Scorpio Races, but it hadn't been announced yet, so she referred to it as a Secret Novel about blood and beaches and kissing. I told her a friend of mine thought the book was about selkies. Of course it wasn't. Later, when she found out my last name was Drown, she jokingly said I was the one who should be writing about selkies and blood and beaches and kissing. 

Krystalyn Drown

A couple of weeks later, the writing forum that I used to post in a lot (Kelley Armstrong's forum) had a writing challenge to create a 2k synopsis for a new novel. With Maggie's comment fresh in my mind, I knocked out a synopsis about selkies and blood and beaches and kissing. I won the challenge, then set aside the synopsis, not planning to do anything with it.

Coming April 2013

Six months later, with Spirit World revised and on submission, I was looking for a new project, and I remembered my synopsis. I added some new characters, changed the bad guy, and after another six months, I had Legasea, my selkie novel about blood and beaches and kissing.

I should also mention another inspiration for Legasea was the movie The Secret of Roan Inish. It was the first DVD I ever bought, and my characters names in Legasea are inspired by the characters in the movie. Fee is a reference to the main character, Fiona, although Fee's name is actually Aoife (pronounced like Eva, but with an f instead of a v.) Jamie is of course named after Jamie.

LEGASEA is currently available through Amazon and B&N.

SPIRIT WORLD will be published in April.

Krystalyn is giving away a prize pack: a signed copy of LEGASEA, a seal ornament, and a bookmark. Enter through Rafflecopter by February 28 for a chance to win!

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Book to Screen

I recently had the opportunity to view an almost-final cut of THE SPIRIT GAME, which will soon be making the 2013 film festival rounds. It was a strange and exhilarating experience, to see my characters come to life. I’d say “once in a lifetime,” but my husband would reply, “Of course, it’s not once in a lifetime!” Bob fully expects to see my other books on film, too.

What was it like? First of all, I have to point out that my book, WE HEAR THE DEAD, is a fictional interpretation of the real events surrounding the Fox sisters and the rise of Spiritualism in the 1850s. Consider then that a screenwriter interpreted my book. And a director interpreted the screenplay, and the individual actors interpreted their parts.  The end result may not be exactly what I pictured while writing, but fascinating and beautiful nevertheless. I was a contributor to this project, but only one of many. The story is no longer mine alone.

People have asked me, “How can a movie tell the story of your book in ten minutes?”  Well, of course, it can’t. This is just one episode. People then ask, “Oh, which episode in the book does the movie cover?” And the answer is – none.

The screenwriter had to write a ten minute film that gave a flavor of the whole story. It had to be complete enough to satisfy viewers of the short film and tantalizing enough to interest a studio in funding a feature film or television series.

From start to finish, the film shows the Fox sisters before, during, and after a single séance. It gives a quick portrait of each sister:

• Leah -- hungry for fame and wealth and mastermind of the fraud
• Maggie -- kind-hearted and the peace-keeper among her sisters, but morally conflicted
• Kate -- addicted to laudanum, tormented, and possibly afflicted with a real talent

Kate is probably the farthest removed from the character in my book because the film-makers decided to make her older than the young teen in my novel. But this Kate is a valid interpretation of the real one, who performed as a medium from the age of eleven until her death at fifty-five. She is exactly what my Kate is destined to become, even if she hasn’t reached that point by the time my novel ends.

And the séance participants have their own story, as well – one created by the screenwriter Lesley Krueger – and one totally in line with the time period and the type of clientele the Fox sisters used to service.

I am thrilled and honored to have been a part in this whole process and that my book was the inspiration for it (just as the historic events were inspiration for my book). My fingers are crossed that this leads to bigger things. 

When It Rains, It Pours

The publishing world is like that. Months and months of NO ACTIVITY. And then a bunch of stuff happens all at the same time.

I’ve seen a semi-final cut of THE SPIRIT GAME movie. I'll share that experience in a separate blog post, but I feel like a tease telling you about it when -- unless you frequent film festivals -- you’re probably won’t have the chance to see it for a year. The producer tells me that they are currently applying for admittance to film festivals, and the film will not be available for download or rental until next year. But I can tell you now, it was 10 minutes of awesome.

It’s still a few months before THE CAGED GRAVES comes out. I haven’t seen any “big” reviews yet (like Kirkus, Booklist, School Library Journal), but a couple ARC reviews have trickled onto Goodreads. Plus, I ordered t-shirts. And when I get them, I expect I’ll want to give some away …

I’m also closing in on the completion of the first draft of THE EIGHTH DAY #2. Since the first draft is always hardest for me, I wanted to get that done before I got caught up in promotions for TCG. And something awesome about HarperCollins – they’re holding back the copy-editing of Book 1 until I finish Book 2, just so I can change anything I need to make the books work together.

And oh yeah, I’m still expected to show up at work every day and teach the kids.

I'm trying to keep up with everybody's blogs, but I don't get around as much as I like. So tell me, what’s been keeping YOU busy lately?

First Impressions: THE SOMEWHAT MANLY SCRAPBOOK OF LUMBERSTAN’S BIG WOODS ADVENTURE

Our next First Impression post for the month of February comes from Alison DeCamp. It’s an MG work titled THE SOMEWHAT MANLY SCRAPBOOK OF LUMBERSTAN’S BIG WOODS ADVENTURE. Alison describes it as Laura Ingalls Wilder meets The Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

The envelope sits on the kitchen counter. It’s as hard to ignore as my empty stomach at three o’clock in the afternoon. And it reminds me.

It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.

And I’m hungry.

I stuff a hunk of bread in my mouth and examine the envelope closely this time, now I know it’s tied to so much hullabaloo, and remember the first time I saw it.

To tell the God’s honest truth (which, of course, is the only kind of truth I ever tell), the first time I saw the envelope, I didn’t think much of it. Heck, it was just an envelope; it didn’t look like it would turn my life all topsy turvy. I picked it up, saw the sharp slit across the top and the empty space inside, and set it back on the table to continue on with my very important day. That was the day I spent cutting out pictures of trick banks to glue in my Scrapbook. I remember because Mama asked me what I was doing, and I told her “cutting out pictures of trick banks,” and she said, “Hmmm. Let me take a look, Stan.” The next thing I knew, she had snuggled up to me like butter on warm toast.

I told her about all the money we would save with a tricky kind of bank, one no robber could ever break into. I am hoping to get one for my twelfth birthday, even though it costs a whole dollar, which is kind of expensive. 

“It doesn’t cost anything to look and very little to wish,” Mama said as she snipped the picture out of the Montgomery Ward catalog. “Also, we have lots of time for hoping--your birthday is almost a whole year away.”

“Practically around the corner,” I replied, and Mama smiled.

That’s why I remember, because my sweet Mama has not been smiling as of late.

The second time I saw the envelope it was crumpled on the table. When I flattened it out, some of the words looked like they were melting off the paper. It was still empty, and I was starting to wonder why. In fact, some might say the entire scene appeared suspicious: an empty envelope, wrinkled up like a used hanky. Mama attacks messes like her very soul depends on it. If cleanliness is next to Godliness, she could be God’s Siamese twin.

 “We don’t have much,” she says, “but we take care of what we have.”

She has the bad habit of picking up stray garbage before it’s even labeled as such. If she picks up something once, it’s a warning and twice it’s the trash. Which is why my valuable finds from magazines and catalogs are immediately pasted in my Scrapbook. And why I’m sometimes found digging things out of the garbage. And also why the crumpled up envelope was so out of place on our dining room table.

I am not the type of man who jumps to conclusions, so although the situation seemed as strange as a cat in a wedding dress, I most definitely did not overreact when I spied it for the second time.

I am not known to overreact. Also, I’m pretty sure no one even heard me scream.

The third time I saw it, however, was cause for genuine panic. It was twelve days ago, and the envelope was firmly clenched in the claws of a homely, old woman.

This is one of those really hard pages for me to critique, because I found it utterly charming and unique and the voice of the MC just jumped out at me so clearly.  Honestly, I am hard pressed to make any suggestions for improvement.

Here’s what I liked about it: There was no need for the author to apply some contrived dialogue or narration to give us a hint of the time period.  The price of the trick bank (and the fact that it might take a year to save that much) is a giveaway. So are the MC’s turns of phrase -- To tell the God’s honest truth (which, of course, is the only kind of truth I ever tell) … snuggled up to me like butter on warm toast … as strange as a cat in a wedding dress. They all seem charmingly quaint and old-fashioned. Alison confirmed to me in an email that the story takes place in a logging camp in northern Michigan in 1896.

I like how she has built up suspense about something as innocuous as an empty envelope, and there was something about the “I am not known to overreact. Also, I’m pretty sure no one even heard me scream.” line that made me laugh. I pictured this “somewhat manly” eleven year old boy screeching in alarm at the sight of a crumpled envelope on the table, simply because he knew his mother didn’t suffer trash in the house.

Alison, thanks so much for sharing your first page. Readers, let Alison know what you think and be sure to check out Marcy’s comments at Mainewords!

First Impressions: THE LEGACY OF THE EYE

Our second First Impressions for February comes from Patricia Moussatche. It’s an adult Science Fiction novel called THE LEGACY OF THE EYE.

Catrine blinked as her eyes adjusted to the brightness outside the school building. She should have worn a hat. She glanced at David, who had closed the heavy wood door behind them. Her best friend’s smile shined as bright as the afternoon light. This was the first time either of them had left the school since their enrollment at the age of two. They were both eighteen now, but David looked ready to conquer the galaxy.

“Maybe we should go over your speech one more time,” she said.

His smile dimmed. “We went over it five times on the way here.”

“Four. And you’re still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to the pupil’s home planet. That’s the whole point of the proposal.”

“Do you want to give the speech?”

Her inside twisted in knots. “No.”

"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn’t liked our idea, they wouldn’t have requested an audience.”

“They probably read the proposal once. You’ve read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it.”

David's smile returned, brighter than ever. “Then it wouldn’t have been perfect.”

Or written at all, she thought.

I gather from the opening page that Catrine and David have an important proposal – maybe something like a doctoral presentation – and although Catrine was the one who wrote it, she and David are partners. David is obviously the one with the public speaking skills, since Catrine’s insides twist at the thought.  He’s better at schmoozing than remembering details. I can only assume that together, their disparate skills blend into a good team.

However, there were a number of things that confused me. As they are leaving the building, the comment is made that this is the first time they’ve left their school in sixteen years. At first, I thought it meant they’d never set foot outside the building, especially since the bright light hurt Catrine’s eyes. On reflection, I’m not sure that was the intended meaning, but it certainly sounded like it. (Could it be true? If so, it needs to have a lot more emphasis in this scene – and they ought to do a lot more standing around, appreciating the sun, rather than simply regret the lack of a hat.)

I also found parts of the conversation hard to follow. David said they went over the speech five times on the way here. But they are leaving a building, not arriving somewhere. Catrine points out that David is still leaving out a key point in his speech, but it took me several tries to understand what she said he left out -- and if this one point was the main purpose of the proposal, how could he forget it?

I also didn’t follow the logic of these lines:

"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn’t liked our idea, they wouldn’t have requested an audience.”

“They probably read the proposal once. You’ve read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details.”

David’s line is fine. But I don’t get Catrine’s point. Is she saying the council only has a vague idea of their proposal after one reading, but David has even less after a dozen? Kind of insulting to her partner and friend! 

I think it’s fine for Catrine to be nervous and taking it out on David. The fact that he tolerates it so well speaks toward their close friendship! But her lines should be tweaked so we understand her major concern (at least what I think is her concern): David has a speech prepared, but she thinks he is not including some of the details she finds important – and he disagrees.  He’s relying on his gift of gab to win over the council, not piddling details.  I also think we need a better understanding of where they are, what building they are leaving, and where they are going to make the presentation in order to fully understand this scene.

Patricia, thanks for sharing your page with us! I also spotted your query over at QQQE, so I knew the basic premise of your story going in.  Readers, do you have any suggestions for this page?  You can find Patricia over at her website, My Middle Years, and read Marcy Hatch’s critique at Mainewords.

First Impressions: THE BLINDED GARDENER

First Impressions in February comes from Michael Di Gesu today. Michael is sharing the first page of his YA Edgy Contemporary novel THE BLINDED GARDENER.

One moment I’m Dad’s personal punching bag, and the next, well, I’m a pawn in his maniacal master plan. That was, until Danny entered the picture and discovered my secret ...

Once again, I found myself at a new school, the third in two years. It sucked having to live by Dad’s starched and mind-numbing military code 24/7. How much more could I take? No honorable discharge was in my future. Not until I turn eighteen. That is if I live that long. 

As the son of a Marine Corps Captain, I had little choice in the decision making of my life. Dad used his usual tactics to persuade me to leave my mom and San Diego to move across the country with him. Needless to say, life in Beaufort, North Carolina wasn’t anything like I had expected. 

The warning bell rang for first period. Lockers slammed and the halls cleared. As I wandered about searching for my classroom, someone approached me from behind. Long bangs fell over his eyes as he loped past me with a kind of natural ease.

Didn’t he see me standing here, screwing around with this frickin’ map?

“Hey, dude. Could you tell me how to get to room 305?”

A slight curl formed on his lips as he faced me. He tossed his head. Platinum fringe shifted to the side and revealed freakish blue eyes that glanced toward me, unfocused.

Holy shit! Is he blind? Or is he stoned?

“I’m heading that way.” His deep voice held a trace of a southern accent. 

He glided toward the stairs. I envied his height: well over six feet and me just an average dude.

“You better move. Connors has little patience when you’re late.” He never looked back once, not even when he spoke.

I rushed to catch up to him. His hand overshot the dented metal banister. On the second swipe, he made contact and climbed the stairs. 

“What’s your name?” he asked, with his back to me. 

“Aidan.”  

He turned the corner and rammed his shoulder into the side. “Damn!” He shook it off and coasted down the hall, stopping abruptly. “Here you are.” A glint of blue shot at me from under his bangs. “By the way, I’m Danny,” he said, low. He did an about face and slipped down another corridor. 

Strange. I wonder what his deal is?

Me, too! Is Danny blind or stoned? I honestly couldn’t tell, and I’m intrigued.

This is the second time Michael has shared the first page of THE BLINDED GARDENER at In High Spirits. Looking back at my previous comments, I see that I liked the alliteration in that first line when I read it before. I still do like it, but now I wonder if it’s a good idea to give away the punching bag scenario in the first line. Is this something Michael really wants us to know going into the story, or is it something we should find out when we actually meet the father? Also, the sentence is in the present tense – which would make it a good line to put in italics and have it be part of Aidan’s thoughts instead of narrative. In any case, I’m not sure if it should be the opening line, or if it would be better off moved to a different spot. Thoughts from readers?

I’d also like to see the back story woven into Aidan’s entrance into the school, to make it seem part of his thoughts rather than … um, back story. For example, life in Beaufort, North Carolina isn’t what he expected, but why is that? Is there something in this scene that reminds him he could have been in San Diego with his mom if his father hadn’t used his “usual tactics” to persuade Aidan to move across the country? I want to get to know Aidan before moving on to Danny, but I don’t want to be pulled out of the scene, either. So connecting what he sees and experiences to his thoughts about the past would be a good way to do it.

One last thing – Aidan’s thoughts should be in present tense, so it should be: Doesn’t he see me standing here .…

Readers, your thoughts? Especially on opening with a reflective paragraph before the first scene – I can’t make up my mind on that.  I think it might be a matter of personal preference. Some agents and editors will like it; others will object to it. Michael, thanks for sharing your first page with us! Michael can be found at his blog, In Time … and don’t forget to stop by Mainewords for Marcy Hatch’s critique of this page.

Interview: Leigh Talbert Moore

A few weeks ago, I was skiing in the mountains with my family, and I ordered up ROUGE by Leigh Talbert Moore on my Kindle to read over the weekend.  I started it late Saturday night, barely managed to put it down for skiing on Sunday morning, read it all through the car ride home (ignoring my family), and finished it up on Sunday night.

Then I emailed Leigh for an interview.

1. What was your inspiration for ROUGE? Where did the story begin for you?

Rouge began with the musical Oliver! I wanted to write a story about orphans, and I liked the dynamic of this one “artful dodger” taking care of the little innocent with close calls and bad things happening all around them.

I saw Oliver! when I was very young, and the darkness of it—particularly the bad guy Joe—really upset me. It scared me knowing the orphans had developed this false confidence since they’ve done so well on their own. Then in the end, they realize they’re not as tough as they think. It’s heartbreaking, too.

I grew up in Baton Rouge, La, so I set the story in New Orleans, which can be very dark, and went from there.

2. Are you a plotter, a pantster, or something in between?

In between. I write out a “synopsis,” which is basically the beginning, middle, climax, and conclusion of the story in my head. If I can get that all down, and I feel strongly about it, I hit the chair and start typing.

3. ROUGE had scenes with strong sexuality and some dark themes – including prostitution, sexual predators, voodoo, poison, and murder. (Of course, this is what made it such a riveting book for me!) Do you see the audience as YA, NA, or adult?

I wrote it as a YA novel originally. Then it was bought by Simon & Schuster, and they wanted it to be adult. So I made those revisions, increased everyone’s age, opened the doors that were closed on certain scenes… and then I parted ways with S&S. And I wanted to get it back to YA.

But as I was going through it again and removing scenes I’d added (or re-closing doors), I decided to leave a few additions and a few doors slightly open. So it’s now more “Mature YA” or “new adult.”

But I think adults can enjoy it, too!

4. How did you do your research? What details were hardest for you to pin down?

The hardest details were period things, like men smoked cigars instead of cigarettes at that time. Roland was always a smoker in my mind, but I didn’t see him as a cigar smoker. To me, that conjures a different image. So I had to verify that cigarettes did exist back then!

Also things like gas lamps—there was no electricity! Popcorn had just been invented, the cash register was something new… So things we take for granted that I would just write into a scene without thinking, I had to fact-check or couch as “new.” Luckily I had the lovely Kitty Howard to help me with that. She was the best New Orleans time-period resource for me.

5. Were there any characters who surprised you in the writing of the book – characters who became different people than you expected? Which character was the most fun to write?

I can’t say there were any surprises. I knew going in everyone’s backstory and what their motivations were and what they would do under pressure. (I have the backstory written, actually, and I’m thinking of releasing it at some point as a novella!)

By far, the most fun character to write was Roland. He was the first character in my head, and he sort of told the story to me. I know that sounds weird, but he was the compass of where we were headed in my mind.

6. I know you had a deal with a big house for ROUGE, and you walked away for some very good reasons, which you explained in a blog post. What’s the hardest part of going it alone, without that publishing house behind you?

Marketing is the hardest part of self-publishing for me. Without a traditional publisher, it’s more difficult to be taken seriously and to get the reviews from big names like Kirkus and Booklist. (Kirkus will review self-published books… for a $500 fee--!)

Marketing done right is a huge, additional job, and it doesn’t always seem to be “working.” It also eats up writing time, which is frustrating. But I’ve made a ton of new reader- and writer-friends through marketing, and I’ve been told as more of my books are released, it gets easier.

7. Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about ROUGE or your other books?

Well, my next book coming out is The Truth About Letting Go, which is a companion book to my book The Truth About Faking. I started it in 2010, right after TTAF, and when that book became so popular and readers asked for more, I decided to dust off that partially finished manuscript and finish it.

After that, Rouge #2 will be released—closer to summer. And then, I guess I’ll see what’s going on with sales and see what readers seem to want next!

Thank you so much for having me here, Dianne! And thanks for reading my books!

Leigh, Thanks for the interview!

FYI, Purchase links:

ROUGE

TTAF